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R.J. M. |
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One former student that the Legendary Mr. Christopherson is especially proud of is R.J. (Richard) M., who has recently been appointed head of the rocket research division of Ford Motor Company where he is reportedly taking on their failing rocket propelled car program which has just never seemed to be able to get off the ground. With the doctor's able guidance, this previous record of failure is no doubt about to reverse itself. The Ford people began to take notice of Dr. M. two years ago when he still headed the team of scientists and military people developing America's first pigeon‑guided missile, whose nose cone, shaped like a bird's beak, was filled with king‑sized cherry bombs rather than the standard nuclear weapons. He convinced the US government that switching entirely to such a missile stockpile would save incredible amounts of money. His urging, coming at yet another time of budgetary crisis, was met with some skepticism, admittedly, but was nevertheless accepted. These aviary missiles, which have now become the mainstay of our defensive armament, are unique in their design (said to be the brainchild of Dr. M. himself). The missile weapon consists of two major elements. The first is, of course, the hardware‑-the missiles themselves, which tower in their launching silos to the awesome height of twelve feet and are surrounded by miles of tubing which connect their engines to powerful air compressors. These missiles are powered by a battery of balloon engines developed by the Tera Transport Company (see the Tera Q. story). Topping off this impressive array of hardware is the nose cone, a ball‑shaped object stuffed with cherry bombs. These nose cones are supplied by Lt. Col. Shawn P. and are directly related to the cannon balls fired by his own impressive BB gun (see the Shawn P. story). The second major part of the missile complement is the well known Pigeon Air Corps, made up of thousands of well‑trained, patriotic pigeons, ready to endanger their very existence in the name of their country. As government documents reveal, the firing of one of these awesome weapons first involves the release of a pigeon trained to fly to a certain target area. Within seconds of the bird's launching into flight, the mighty balloon engines are engaged, and with a thunderous, rolling, fart‑like sound the mechanical bird takes off after the feathered one. What a sight! The pigeon flies at unbelievable speeds (approaching 25 miles per hour at times!) as it attempts to out pace the sputtering missile streaking along just inches from its tail‑feathers. Thus, while the bird is homing in on the target, the missile is homing in on the bird, bringing both over the target in no time at all. That’s when the nose ball is released with predictable devastating results. Tracking is accomplished by following the trail of pigeon‑poop laid out behind the excited bird as it frantically works its wings to stay ahead of the pursuing missile. While the pigeons are often recovered and sent in for psychological and gastronomical calming and debriefing, the missile hardware itself is usually discarded, since a new one can be rolled up fairly inexpensively from the cardboard toilet‑paper tubes from which these mighty missiles are constructed. Needless to say, after Richard M.'s exemplary record of accomplishment in the area of rocket research, one can only guess at the fantastic new vehicles that will be emerging from Ford Motor in the next few years! The only hint we have been given concerning the possible design characteristics of the new RJ car is that reliable sources in the automotive world have revealed that R.J. associates have been doing research on the running abilities of poodles. Who knows what that could mean? |
