Shawn P.
(Alias "BB")

We have been very fortunate in having had the opportunity to interview Lt. Colonel Shawn P., U.S. Army, former student of the Legendary Mr. Christopherson, and the inventor of the new military weapon referred to only as the "Ball-Boomer," or BB gun. Perhaps you have heard the recent rumors that the army was field testing an incredible new cannon? Well, read on and you will soon know all that we were able to coax out of the wily mind of the inventor of this powerful new BB gun:

Our Guy: So, Col. P., can you tell us a few details about this wonder weapon of yours?

Col. P.: Well, you have to realize that certain elements of the design will have to remain out of bounds here; they are top secret and so forth.

Our Guy: Of course, Colonel, but remember, the public will appreciate anything you may feel free to discuss. The papers have been full of BB gun stories and we all would like to know if what we're hearing is true. For example, some say the projectile fired by your cannon hits the ground well ahead of the target and yet somehow still manages to hit it! Could this be true?

Col. P.: Ah, yes. I guess I can comment on that, since news photos have essentially let the cat out of the bag in that area. You see the projectile, rather than being cylindrical with a cone shaped nose, is instead spherical, or ball shaped. The cannon is designed to fire in such a way as to cause the ball to hit the ground and then bounce its way right up to the target.

Our Guy: That's incredible Colonel, and can such a cannon be very accurate?

Col. P.: Well, of course the shape of the terrain makes some difference. We have found we get approximately 80% accuracy where the ground is perfectly flat. That is, we can't be sure of hitting the target 80% of the time. On the other hand, in hilly areas and on slopes the accuracy ranges anywhere from 45% on down to something in the teens; I don't remember the exact numbers‑‑I tend to focus on the positive aspects of the weapon, not the negative ones. Of course, the cannon is not at all effective over water. Not only does the gun itself sink due to it's formidable weight, but the cannon ball has proved to have very poor bouncibility with respect to water.

Our Guy: Amazing! I suppose no weapon system will ever be entirely perfect. But now Colonel, another question, if I may. We've all heard about the rather strange battle that took place in Switzerland last month. Reports from rather reliable sources have indicated that a strange, new weapon of some sort was in­volved. Can you comment on this?

Col. P.: OK. I guess it's time to take credit where credit is due. Yes, the BB cannon was field tested in Switzerland during the recent uprising of the goat herders there. As you may well imagine, from my earlier comments, the hilly country there really put the BB gun to the test! I was there personally, and I can guarantee that the gun proved its worth. Particularly in those cases where we occupied the high ground. The cannon balls tended to bound down the mountains sides and were quite destructive. We even scored a few hits when, before we could fire the guns, the cannon balls simply rolled out of the barrels of the cannons owing to the extreme downward angle of the muzzles. In addition, we soon discovered that the BB gun had to be used with extreme caution in those circumstances where we were downhill from the enemy. The cannon balls seemed to bounce up the mountain side for a short distance, but then . . .

Our Guy: You don't mean . . .

Col. P.: I'm afraid so. We were forced to dodge for cover from our own BB weapons! After one particularly large salvo, we were bombarded with over seven hundred bounding BB's. I can tell you it's no fun being on the receiving end of something like that! But in the end, as you know, we were able to wipe the smirks off the faces of those cheesy goat herders.

Our Guy: It seems we're out of time, Colonel. I'm positive the world will be thrilled to hear about this new weapon of yours, and our enemies will be forced to reevaluate their stand against us after considering the in­credible BB gun!