If you live in the Parkland, Washington area, did you noticed a slight difference in the air quality recently? Did you noticed your neighbors acting strangely? It seems that so many residents have complained about this that the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has been called in to investigate. We decided to send in a task force of our own to probe the problem since the Parkland area is well‑known as the location of the famous middle school where the Legendary Mr. Christopherson has taught for years now, turning out quality students, all of whom quickly climb the ladder to success in this rapidly changing world of ours. It was our thought to investigate the possibility of some connection between the strange be­havior of some residents, and the odd smell which hung in the Parkland air, and either the eminent educator, or perhaps one of his undoubtedly famous students who still lives in the region. As it turns out, we were correct on both counts. After collecting information from neighbors and friends, we have been able to generate the following pretty accurate account.

The former student of the Legendary Mr. Christopherson in question here is Dr. Andrew H., the research chemist of great fame, who has devoted his life to the chemistry of odors, and who has only recently become quite wealthy by producing his own line of men's cologne which offers a gentlemen purchaser that opportunity to give off what ever subtle odor impression he may desire: "Mech Warrior," (garage mechanic), "Cow Pie," (barnyard rancher), "Sweat Sox," (athlete), "Tuna Time,” (deep sea fisherman), "Heavy Metal," (Army tank driver), "Guano," (cave explorer), "Butt Head," (chain smoker), to name a few. Our suspicions were aroused immediately upon learning that Dr. H. was indeed residing temporarily with his parents in Parkland and that his arrival coincided with the start of the smelly air problem and the screwy demeanor of area people.

Apparently, Dr. H. dropped by the afore mentioned middle school to have a quick and inspiring visit with the Legendary Mr. Christopherson, such visits being far from uncommon, since hundreds, if not thousands, of former students gratefully revisit their great mentor‑of‑old each week, forming lines that often stretch many double blocks away from the school. During the visit, the doctor noticed that the Legendary Mr. Christopherson had been dabbling in a bit of chemistry himself, having whipped up some sort of off‑smelling potion at the request of suffering sixth grade teachers, designed to give the wearer a no‑nonsense, dictatorial odor, assuring no questions about who's boss in the classroom. (It should be mentioned here that the Legendary Mr. Christopherson is a gifted chemist in his own right, having modestly turned down two Nobel Prizes for chemistry over the years. Rare is that chemist around the world who does not consult the dedicated teacher at least occasionally when confronted with a particularly tough chemical imbalance.) It seems that Dr. H. was so impressed that he suggested that he might like to add this new concoction to his line of men's cologne.

What followed is one of those exceptionally rare times when the Legendary Mr. Christopherson actually denied a request from a former student. When the amazed and disappointed Dr. H. asked why, he was told that it would not be wise to release a cologne to the general public which, unlike H.'s other offerings (which the great teacher had complete knowl­edge of since part of his philosophy involved keeping up with all of the accomplishments of his former students), the new fragrance, "Mein Kampf," (title suggested by Andrew) actually would impart an element of control over others, something the sagacious educator felt ought to be reserved only for very level‑headed persons, such as teachers. Dr. H. left in a huff, stating that he would just go ahead and create a similar cologne himself anyway, without the great educator's help. It seems that the doctor still had a lesson to learn from the Legendary Mr. Christopherson.

One can certainly see where this account is leading by now. Yes, that Parkland Problem was caused by Dr. H.'s successful, though unwise, attempts to duplicate the so called "Mein Kampf" cologne originated by the Legendary Mr. Christopherson. On the other hand, if Dr. H. had not had his parent's twenty‑three hundred gallon pressure cooker explode accidentally, spewing a concentrated version of "Mein Kampf" throughout his Parkland neighborhood, he might never have had a chance to observe its effects on the general public before releasing it world‑wide.

Within a few minutes of the explosion, swastika armbands and jack‑boots began to appear here and there around Parkland. The words "Schweinhund" and "Dummkopf" could be heard more and more frequently flying through the air. After fifteen minutes of exposure to the new cologne, sides were being drawn up and people were arming themselves. Those people who had colds or severe sinus blockage appeared unaffected by the cologne, but they were a very small minority and quickly retired to basement and attic hide‑outs for the duration.

Dr. H., wearing a breathing device for protection, roamed the streets, observing the effects of his creation, and feeling increasingly uneasy about it. He knew things had gotten out of hand when a small but significant group of seagulls went goose‑stepping past him, flinging their wings out in a stiff‑armed salute to him. Soon everything began to fall apart as the odor really settled in. Everyone wanted to be boss and began ordering everyone else around. Even the gull brigade deteriorated into a flurry of feathers and squawking, finding it impossible to determine the proper pecking order anymore. Fortunately, at that moment, the Legendary Mr. Christopherson, deciding that this little lesson had gone far enough, turned on the great ventilat­ing fans at the middle school, blowing all traces of "Mein Kampf" out to sea, producing a few frenzied fish fights for a time until the last vestiges of odor were dissipated.

Thus, the great chemist learned that one can not explosively come out with a really bad odor and expect the people around to appreciate it with good humor.