Jason H.

All that's necessary to become one of the biggest money‑makers in the world is to take a look at the world the way it is now, and then im­prove on that in such a way that you can provide even more of what people are willing to pay for, but at a more reasonable price for yourself. Almost anyone could tell you that. However, the real genius comes in recognizing those places that changes may be made. Mr. Jason H. is one of those rare individuals of genius who has the knack of doing just that. This go‑getter of a business man has put together one of the largest, most consistently successful, money‑making operations the sports world has ever seen.

His previous successes are too numerous to mention with the ex­ception of a few of the highlights.

• 1) In one of his earlier efforts, in an attempt to make horse racing more exciting, Jason introduced the compelling concept of having horses and riders chased by a large pack of starving wolves.

• 2) Everyone surely remembers watching on TV that wild baseball game in which the first of the Jason Exploding Hard Balls was introduced, where of course, to heighten the suspense, neither on‑lookers nor batters knew which ball was going to be the so‑called "Big Blast.”

• 3) Then there was his placing of heavily armed referees in foot­ball games who were given permission to open fire on any player who earned a penalty of any sort.

• 4) Water skiing soon became an immensely popular public draw with the addition of savage schools of sharks (only 25 footers or larger allowed).

• 5) Pole vaulting grew to be the most popular field event after Jason arranged to have the crossbar electrified with an occasionally‑lethal 25,000 volt charge which really tended to stiffen up the competition.

And now, with a fanfare that has caught the attention of even those nerdy persons mostly uninterested in sports, Mr. H. has just unveiled his latest project‑-an achievement which will be the envy (and perhaps even the downfall) of many of his fellow entrepreneurs. The entire affair: the indoor, domed ice arena to seat 575,000 people comfortably; the video linkage which will assure national (eventually global) coverage of his unique sports offerings; the massive car‑park and accompanying large group of twenty‑five story parking garages (not to mention the neighboring airport capable of landing full‑sized airliners on a virtual non‑stop basis‑-all were part of H.'s master plan. This elaborate complex has just been completed and is now said to be fully operational. The first incredible sporting event has just been held there and a description of this fantastic, overwhelmingly exciting new concept in sports will follow after a brief look into Mr. H.'s past in an attempt to discover where he began his climb to success.

As is true with so many people who have met with such overwhelming success in life, Jason H. got his big push back in middle school during the winter of 1993-4 when he had the supreme pleasure of taking the Creative Expressions class offered by the Legendary Mr. Christopherson. The great teacher noticed right off that this boy had that blood‑thirsty, competitive edge to his nature which could assure him success in the sports world (not to mention the world of big business as well). Even at this relatively early age, young Jason could be found organizing various unique, hugely popular events.

For example, one day the Legendary Mr. Christopherson happened to mention to the boy that, while many students seemed to enjoy challenging each other to a bout of arm wrestling, the whole contest aspect of the event was not particularly exciting, since one of the participants was often clearly bigger and stronger than the other. Young Jason's quick mind soon had an answer. After checking with the great teacher and receiving his blessings in the matter, young Jason instituted the new arm ­wrestling rules: pertinent statistics such as arm‑length, body weight, height, and so forth, were collected for each contestant. Then pools of concentrated hydrochloric acid were carefully placed next to each contender's arm such that whoever lost would truly feel the sting of defeat. The sizes of the pools were adjusted so as to take into account the differing sizes of the opponents, thus making the whole thing a much fairer, more sporting affair than before.

So now we turn to the description of the recent fantastic sporting event that has set the athletic world on fire: the great Human/Android Hockey Tournament. Mr. H. has given us one of the very most spectacular contests ever staged. Spectators knew something momentous was about to occur when they first caught sight of the android team warming up: team members attaining incredible speeds of over one hundred miles per hour during straight runs; team‑mates colliding with each other, resulting in only the momentary loss of arms, legs, or even heads; the launching of specially designed, heavy‑duty, 100‑pound pucks at blinding speeds, using spring‑loaded, hyper driven, space‑age hockey sticks; and so forth.

          The actual game itself was a sight to behold! The human team, rather than being cut to pieces immediately as might be expected, turned out to have a few, now legal, tricks up their sleeves too. For example, to offset the natural speed advantage of the typical android, humans were allowed to equip themselves with rocket powered backpacks. The humans' hockey sticks, rather than being spring‑loaded, were actually steam‑driven, giving them the power and endurance of a jack‑hammer (the portable power packs here were actually nuclear in nature, providing the heat needed to create the steam). To offset the android's ability to quickly repair damage to themselves, the human team was allowed to consist of over three‑hundred back­up members, and could thus quickly replace a squashed or splattered team‑mate with an entirely fresh one. Needless to say, this great tournament will go down in history ranking as the most exciting and destructive athletic contest ever, just what the public demands in the way of fine, stimulating entertainment.

Our thanks go to Mr. Jason H. yet again.