Surely, you have read of the recent outbreak of warfare in the tropical jungles of Ecuador, where fighting is said to have gotten so terrible that casualties have numbered in the millions. Just last week we learned of a lone survivor of one such conflict whose uncon­scious body was carried out of the almost inaccessible area by a large foliage‑covered native guide who spoke a totally unknown language and was thus unable to provide any cogent information. Both the native and the unconscious man appeared to have various kinds of vegetation actually growing from their bodies. (This vegetation was not just the mold and fungus kind of thing that might grow on someone in the tropics, but also consisted of groups of higher order grasses, bushes, shrubs, small trees, and in some cases, flowering plants in full bloom.)

Upon regaining consciousness, looking out from under his hefty forehead palm tree, the man identified himself as General Kyle B., supreme commander of the United Nations Special Forces, assigned to observe, and where necessary actually participate in, the struggle against the present powerful Ecuadorian dictator, Seňior Sethio Ulliam Sonio, whose short, squat, powerful form has been seen often in news videos of late as he harrangs his troops, stirring them into yet greater ferocious intensity. Almost immediately after supplying his name, rank, and breakfast cereal preferences, the general passed out, falling into a delirious state of mind during which he tossed and turned on the hospital bed, scattering leaves and twigs here and there, requiring an hourly raking of the room. He was heard to mumble bits and pieces of phrases and sentences from which we have been able to piece together his incredible story. The veracity of this account has been attested to by the Legendary Mr. Christopherson, whose name was blurted out by General B. a great number of times during his delirium, causing many an intake of breath, and leading to much speculation as to the connection between the world famous educator and the greenery‑covered general.

As implied above, owing to his name being brought up in the jungle hospital by the apparently irrational General B., the Legendary Mr. Christopherson was sought out on the campus of the famous middle school where he still teaches, and was questioned about his knowledge of the matter. All we were really able to find out was that, yes, General B. and the legendary teacher were acquainted, the former having taken that fantastic Creative Expressions class, which has been the spring board to success for so many, from the latter. We were led to understand that there was little doubt that General B. was involved in very important matters in Ecuador. However, the Legendary Mr. Christopherson also warned us that the whole subject needed to be treated with great care, since many of the details were covered under the US Forest and Grassland Act of 1997, and thus could not be discussed. Nevertheless, we have decided to relate to you General B.'s version of what happened to him, duly believing, such as we do, it is our duty to do such. (We should mention that the Legendary Mr. Christopherson has been provided with the highest possible security clearances and is thus privy to the innermost secrets of the majority of the world's governments. One can only be awed at the many amazing stories he could tell!)

It seems that when the war broke out in 1998, the then Colonel Kyle B. had just been appointed to his position as attachė to the United Nations, his career having taken off dramatically after his overwhelming victory in the jungles of Brazil, in 1997, where the miners and land developers had run into a snag. Local witch‑doctors and head‑hunters had discovered a new drug, coming from the sap of a certain rare jungle plant, which could turn the typical parrot into a truly mean fighting machine, becoming a blur of feathers and claws against which there seemed to be no counter measure. Green forest and jungle remained where buildings, roads, and parking lots could be built and clearly something had to be done. Colonel B. saved the day by calling into play his now famous guinea pig army, made up of only the bulkiest and most highly trained animals, skilled in every martial art known to man and beast. We have all seen those incredible film clips of the amazing Amazon battle. With little arms and legs slashing and kicking in oriental-like ferocity, the guinea pigs had soon stripped the plumage clean off the treacherous birds, embarrassing them to the point that they quickly surrendered. It is certainly a feather in the general's cap that he can now point with pride to the hundreds of thousands of acres which formerly had been going to waste in jungle form, but now provide parking for the millions of Brazilian vehicles which are bringing the atmo­sphere of civilization to this rural area.

Thus, it was only natural that the UN would turn to General B. in 1998, promoting him to GA or “General of the Animals,” a rank he obviously richly deserves. But it was not the animal kingdom the general called upon to aid in his Ecuadorian venture. Rather it was the plant kingdom‑-and here we see the clear evidence of superior intelligence at work. The general surmised that to sneak up on the enemy in the jungle, one hid behind trees, bushes, and such. In a stroke of genius, he came up with the idea of carrying a person's own camouflage right along with him. But early attempts showed a tendency for the foliage to drop off or wilt before it had the chance to become effective in battle. So the brilliant general simply took the next logical step and developed a way to grow the plants directly on the person, rooting the vegetation right in the upper layers of the skin. This approach proved highly successful, so long as the soldier was able to get plenty of sunshine and was watered down frequently.

The technique was very successful, but not quite in the way General B. had first envisioned it. It turned out that the enemy, immediately upon sighting the general’s vegetating troops lurching their way through the jungle, fell into uncontrollable fits of laughter, making them a push over to capture.

But then, tragedy! Apparently, dictator Ulliam Sonio had gotten wind of the general's clever fighting techniques and hired a few thousand out‑of‑work, disgruntled Brazilian head‑hunter and witch‑doctor mercenaries, equipping them with a newly developed jungle‑type lawnmower. These men and women, who had no sense of humor left at all, defrocked the general's army, driving it completely out of Ecuador.

We understand General B. is undergoing defoliative surgery in Brazil before returning to the US where he will, by his own admission, be sticking to the world of animals from now on, a domain where he undoubtedly feels more at home.