Octavia H.

If the world of humanity can put on a prettier smile, showing its fine, clean teeth, the debt of gratitude must surely go to Dr. Octavia H., the eminent dental hygienist whose campaign to brighten teeth everywhere has been so incredibly successful. Just last week the Queen of England bestowed upon her an honorary membership in the exclusive Cheshire Cat Society of London, an award that has until now been reserved for members of the upper‑class, smiley elite of Great Britain only. This honor serves as a true indicator of this young lady's tremendous contribution to us all. Her most recent drive to brighten teeth, as everyone who watches a fair amount of TV will remember, has been the famous so‑called "Couch Potato Brushy‑Brush‑Brush" kit which sells for $7.95 in groceries and supermarkets ev­erywhere. Aimed at the typical TV viewer, this kit offers a wonderful snack, (a potato for baking especially wrapped to pop right into the microwave and provide a quick, nutri­tious snack), packets of toppings (creamed butter, sour cream, and butterscotch (one of Dr. H.’s favorites) designed to turn the snack into the much more desirable junk‑food item preferred by TV watchers), and, of course, the touch of Octavia’s genius, a means for cleaning up afterwards, (a medium quality tooth brush and miniature tube of toothpaste accompanied by a fifty‑page manual explaining in detail the proper up and down technique for using the brush to the greatest advantage, with specific, individual instructions concerning the cleaning and care of each and every tooth of the human mouth). These kits, as one may easily understand, have been selling like, well, hot potatoes!

This brilliant "Couch Potato, Brushy‑Brush‑Brush" effort follows close on the heels of, and appears to be direct out­growth of, Dr. H.’s previous big seller of a book, Stroke Your Teeth, or Say Good Bye to Them, in which she explains how the average person can assure themselves of better dental hygiene by brushing their teeth while sitting in front of the TV, thus making the most of what would otherwise be a total waste of time. The book covers such questionable topics as: proper sitting position for viewing and brushing; type of brush to use (that is, hard bristles for slow‑paced shows‑-as opposed to soft bristles where the action on TV might lead to damaged, bloody gums if firmer brushes were used); and special instructions for install­ing a spitting‑sink adjacent to your favorite chair (or chairs, where a family views TV together) such that no spitting distance is greater than that required for at least 90% spitting/hitting accuracy.

Dr. H. was already showing an interest in teeth while a middle school student. In fact, it was yet another of the brilliant moves on the part of the Legendary Mr. Christopherson, whose incredible Creative Expressions class the young Octavia was privileged to attend, that led her to actually settle down and sink her teeth into a solid future. When she first entered the class, her main interest in teeth centered around knocking them out of the mouths of anyone who might get in her way. The Legendary Mr. Christopherson (whose teeth relievedly remained intact during this feisty period of hers) recalls the note he received from the near‑legendary middle school custodian complaining of the difficulty incurred in sweep­ing up two or three dozen teeth from the floor each night (the custodian understandably felt that students should pick up their own teeth and not just leave them lying around).

Young Octavia also had a tendency to bite and snap at people when she became annoyed. The pretty‑nearly‑legendary Mrs. Maughn, 8th grade councilor, was forced to deal with numerous parent phone calls inquiring into the appearance of bite marks and tooth‑shredded clothing when their kids came home from school. Needless to say, during this unsettled time, the Legendary Mr. Christopherson was exploring each and every possible solution which would resolve this troublesome behavior. Young Octavia could be rather unreasonable at times, it seems, refusing to wear a muzzle in class, as well as rejecting the Great Teacher's attempts to schedule her for counseling with some of the world's leading experts in gnawing and gnashing.

But finally, as alluded to above, the Legendary Mr. Christopherson was able to get this truly talented youngster to ask herself the question, "Ask not what other people's teeth can do for you (scattered over the floor, as it were), but rather, what can you do for other people's teeth." Thus, young Octavia graduated from her previous dentally destructive behavior to an attitude of looking out for the health of people's teeth. By the end of that winter trimester of 1993-4, she was known as the "Brush Lady," owing to the fact that she carried something on the order of 3,000 toothbrushes everywhere she went, giving them away freely to all who would take them. She was responsible, single‑handedly for instituting the very popular "Brushing Break" wherein students were able to leave class at any time, if they felt their teeth needed cleaning. Halls were constantly filled with happy students, chatting as they brushed.

How fortunate for us (and our teeth) that this wonderful young lady has applied herself to such a noble career. (It should be mentioned, in closing, that even the exceptional Legendary Mr. Christopherson owes the young Octavia a debt of gratitude, since his efforts to control her toothy troubles led the remarkable teacher to develop an entirely new tooth‑regeneration technique which helped toothless Octavia victims regain their lost biting/chewing abilities. This new technique is expected to make the already world famous educator even more world famous.)