It was back in middle school where the young Pat G. got his start in politics, a start which enabled him to gain the experience necessary to define and organize the politics of our great country around a totally new locus. No doubt we all have joined one or the other of the two main political parties originated by this great thinker, but since not nearly everyone has heard about the great man's formative middle school ears, we feel obligated to fill in any missing details in order to help the voting public understand how it all started. That is, how did we all come to be politically organized according to whether we are, deep in our hearts, cat lovers (formerly mostly Republicans) or dog lovers (formerly mostly Democrats)?

Young Pat found himself in the inspirational Creative Expressions class of winter 1993-4, under the jurisdiction of one of the greatest political minds in history, the Legendary Mr. Christopherson, with whom even the Presidential Cabinet Members of our government often consult when seemingly insurmountable decisions have to be made, or when these fine persons find themselves at a loss for significant information about al­most any subject. The great teacher saw in young Pat the makings of a keen political mind which could almost match his own and perhaps nearly surpass it someday. And so, seizing upon the opportunity to have a major role in training his successor in matters of legal advising to the greats of the government, the Legendary Mr. Christopherson persuaded young Pat to toss his hat into the ring and run for student government, a position which admittedly played something of a lesser role in the scheme of things, dealing as it were with the more trivial aspects life in the Parkland and Washington area such as student/school matters, determining student/parental rights, controlling the move­ment of aircraft/troops for the nearby McChord/Fort Lewis military posts, specifying and signing off on all trade agreements with Pacific rim countries such as Japan/Korea, and other such minor tasks.

Young Pat did an admirable job as president of the middle school ASB (Associated Student Bunch), presiding over this basically goofy group of adolescents and keeping them well in tow. At the same time, he was, little by little, taking mental note of all sorts of seemingly unimportant events around him. It was, by his own admission, during this time that he began to see things polarizing into the cat/dog point of view. The Legendary Mr. Christopherson tells us that it was providential that young Pat had a tendency toward schizophrenia, allowing him to hound his problems in a doglike fashion sometimes, but then turn right around and sink his claws, catlike, into the next problem. He was soon dividing his friends up into two groups, based upon whether they approached life in a doglike way (that is, loving, caring, friendly, slobbering, and stupid) or a catlike way (that is, aloof, cruel, intelligent, and sandbox oriented).

Young Pat, by the end of his 8th grade tenure in middle school, and at the positive urging of the Legendary Mr. Christopherson, had laid the ground works for his new political orientation and had begun spreading the word to other local politicos. He found his ideas meet with instant acceptance among native Washingtonians, and even among those renegades who had escaped to the state from California, since it turned out that all people were either cat or dog lovers, but not both (except for a very small minority of psychologically suspect individuals, or those of French background, or the one or two other oddballs who enjoyed the same schizophrenic abnormality as Pat himself).

Then came the great crusade during which the name Pat G. became associated with politics everywhere in the country. Soon the donkey/elephant scheme of things was replaced by the dog/cat frame of mind (for even though certain former Republicans felt that the jackass was an appropriate animal to represent braying Democrats, and certain former Democrats felt that the big, clumsy, hairless, and wrinkled old elephant was an appropriate animal to represent fossilized Republicans, nevertheless even these diehards were soon swept up in the new order of things).

It was soon discovered that when one spoke of themselves or of one's political opponents in terms of dog or cat images, it was easier to make one's point. What canine fancier would fail to respond to the mental image of a warm fire in a cozy room on a cold winter evening, snow falling outside, with a wonderful, loyal, trusting dog curled up on the hearth rug? Former Democrats hastened to present themselves to fellow former Democrat voters this way. What feline fancier would fail to respond to the feeling of superiority gained by watching a cat, covered in beautiful silken fur, as it majestically stalks up to its owner, finically demanding its dinner, knowing that it had its owner under full control? Former Republicans attempted to present themselves to former Republican voters this way.

Now that Mr. G. has in effect written the book on politics in this great country of ours, what will his political future hold? The word is, unconfirmed by Pat G. himself, that he will soon declare himself in the running for the highest elected position in the land, that of President of the United States of America. But which party, cat or dog, will he position himself to head? Could it be that, for possibly the very first time in history, we can have one candidate represent both parties at the same time? Imagine the simplification provided by this when voting day arrives with only one name for president on the ballot. We shall soon know.

(It should be noted that reliable reports have reached us to the effect that Mr. G. has been visiting various veteri­nary plastic surgeons and seems to be sporting a great deal more hair than before‑-the question being, is it dog or cat hair? Also, word has it that all the seats of his pants have been let out to provide room for a grafted‑on tail, but again, will it be a wagging doggie tail, or a twitching kitty‑cat tail?)